Mascara and a Toothpick
by Luna Moonglade
Summary: After another encounter and er.. rejection from Lily, James finds something interesting that she owns and the Marauders decide to find out what exactly it is. My first try at a nonsensehumor fic. R & R!


**Mascara and a Toothpick**

-Part One-

Three pairs of eyes were watching him from the scarlet armchairs by the fireplace. They thought he couldn't do it, but he would show them. How many times could a person strike out, right? Reaching out in front of him, he tapped a red-haired girl on the shoulder and she turned around to face him.

"Hey Lily."

"No," she stated flatly, "I will not go out with you, Potter."

He frowned, "A very merry morning to you to. Can't you at least let me ask first?"

"No, because one it's a waste of my time and two-"

James cut her off, "You're too shy to say yes? Don't worry, I under-"

"-And two," Lily's emerald eyes flickered viciously as her voice raised in volume, "I already knew what you were going to ask and the answer is no. I refuse to go out with you, Potter." And with that she stood as tall as it was possible for her, trying to size James up. This of course didn't work that well, being that she was quite a bit shorter than him.

James gave her a look – completely ignoring her action – that would have most girls falling into his arms in seconds, "Aw, tell me why not Lily."

"Because _Potter_," her eyes narrowed, "your head is as large as the Giant Squid's and your loyalty to the female population in this school is the size of a cumquat!"

"I am very loyal to my friends."

"I said the female population," she wrinkled her nose in disgust. "I'm now scared to think of what gender you believe your friends are and what you all do in your spare time."

"You don't know who I am. Maybe if you gave me a try-"

Lily snapped, "Never Potter, and quit giving me those puppy eyes; you're giving dogs a bad name!"

_That means she noticed…_ He smirked and changed to a more competitive tone, "You're going to go out with me one day, Evans. Should it be this week or the next, eventually you'll realize your true feelings about me."

"Oh, I know my true feelings, Potter," she screamed. "I hate you!" And Lily stormed out of the common room through the Portrait of the Fat Lady, but not before James charmed her robes to say, 'Property of Potter. Stay away!' on the back.

Frowning again, he slumped into the chair Lily Evans had been using and listened to the annoying sounds of laughter from the three chairs near the fire.

"Shut up," he scowled.

"That's twenty sickles for me, Wormtail! Hand 'em over!" His friend Sirius Black called to Peter Pettigrew, who in turn, grumbled and whined about the obvious bet he had taken a part of. "Thanks Prongs," Sirius said in between chuckles. "Couldn't have won without you. You never disappoint me!"

James repeated, "Shut up."

Remus Lupin rolled his eyes and let out an exhausted sigh, "Good luck next time, Prongs, but I think that you should consider giving up on Lily. She didn't seem very interested, did she?"

"She is interested, just-"

"- she doesn't know it yet," his friends finished with him.

Sirius yawned, "Yah… yah, we've heard."

"It's the truth! I know she… she…" James trailed off with a wild grin. The others had only seen him smile like that when something had caught his interest, but what surprised them most of all, was that nothing ever interrupted his thoughts on Lily. Either there was too good of a prank to pass up, or…

Sirius glanced at the two boys on either side of him, "Is it a possibility to think that he's moved on?" he muttered in question.

Remus shook his head, gesturing around the cozy room, "Do you see any girls in here?"

"No, and Snivelly isn't around either," they both sighed. "So what could it be?"

Peter scrunched up his face, "James fancies Snape?"

Both boys spun around and wacked him in the head, "No, you dolt! Gryffindors aren't allowed to like Slytherins and most of all, SNIVELLY!!! He is only alive for pranking purposes!"

"And," Remus hurriedly reminded, "James is straight."

Peter's eyes watered, "But I like a Slytherin. The one with blonde hair and ice-blue eyes, and-"

Sirius smacked Peter again, "That's Narcissa! Stay away from anything Malfoy claims as property, not to mention a SLYTHERIN'S PROPERTY!!! Believe me, leave 'that' to us."

"O-ok…" Peter trembled as he wiped his eyes with his chubby fists.

Sirius took in a deep breath and rubbed his hands together as if he had just dealt with some important business, before turning back to stare at a possessed looking James, "So, Moony, any theories yet?"

"Well maybe he just got absorbed in the mirror on the other side of the room again and found something he didn't like, but that couldn't be right because he isn't looking there."

"Did you just say that Prongs is ugly?"

Lupin flinched and his eyes widened in realization, "NO! I didn't say that! I swear!"

"Because if you did, then it's my job to take care of your point of view and opinions, but," Sirius grinned, "if you admit that I'm better looking and am more of a girl magnet then him, then I might just let you off." He laughed, glancing at the particular mirror and checking to see if he still looked stunning.

_You say that anyways_, Remus thought bitterly, "No, I swear he's good looking!"

"And I'm not?" Black frowned.

Remus slapped his palm against his forehead, muttering, "People always ask me why I'm so fond of books and it's times like these that I wish I'd remember so I could tell them why."

Sirius shook his head, "That's cruel; you preferring books to people. Actually, it's more creepy, is what it is."

The sandy-haired boy shook his head in reply and rolled his eyes, "Getting back on topic, do you have any ideas about the current situation?"

"You mean besides the fact that you think I'm ugly?" Sirius let out an exaggerated sniff.

"I don't think your ugly," replied Lupin, _just overly dramatic_.

Sirius' mood brightened and he said, "Yay! Moony doesn't think I'm ugly, but what about you, Wormtail?" the said animagus toppled out of his seat, because of the instant and unexpected attention, nodding like a muggle object called a 'bobble-head.'

Remus groaned, "Oh no…" Sirius was enjoying this conversation way too much and if Peter continued shaking his head like that, then Remus knew he would go insane. Not to mention that Peter could likely suffer extended brain damage.

"I think James' mind is traumatized by the fact he was," Sirius leaned forward, as if to tell a dreaded secret, and whispered, "rejected."

"I think _my_ mind is traumatized by Peter's insufferable bobbing," Remus complained, hitting the blonde boy over the head, "but that actually makes a lot of sense."

"Yah, it does, except I'm not supposed to make sense, so it must be wrong. Maybe – because that crazy grin says it all – he has been driven into insanity."

"I'll have to agree with you there."

"Could it be that he's acting strange, because he's just found something that belonged to Lily and has thought of black-mail techniques to use it against her?" Peter suggested.

Both boys stared at him in disbelief. For one thing, he was thinking logically and that statement was probably the most intelligent sentence he had said all day; no, all month. And for another point, he was indeed actually thinking. But no less, "That's really stupid," they both shook their heads and Peter just shrugged.

You know," said Remus thoughtfully, "we could always _ask_ James why he's acting out of the ordinary."

They all nodded and Sirius exclaimed, "True." The comment was followed by an odd silence, as they all stared at each other and Peter rocked back and forth on his hands. Over and over and….

"Hey! Look at what I found!" James' voice said from behind them suddenly and causing them to all jump out of their soft scarlet chairs. They turned to the Gryffindor seeker, who was holding a small brown book bag. "It's Lily's!"

Sirius and Remus nodded and then gasped, exchanging glances.

Silence.

Not a word.

A quiet understanding was shared between them.

Both glancing at Peter swiftly, they tackled him to the floor, "You cheated! You saw what was wrong with him didn't you!"

"Wrong?" James looked at them suspiciously.

"But you could have just looked too!" squeaked the rat.

"Wrong?"

"You know, Padfoot," Lupin mentioned, releasing his friend slightly, "he is right. We could have just looked."

"Wrong?!"

Sirius frowned, "It doesn't matter! He cheated!"

"How can he be right and cheat at the same time. You just contradicted yourself."

"He isn't right! He broke the rules of the game!"

"Rules?"

"The unwritten rules."

"Don't you mean, the unspoken rules?"

"Nope. The unwritten ones. You see, we didn't write them down."

"I know, and we didn't speak them either."

"That's not the point."

Remus cocked an eyebrow, "Then what is the point?"

"He cheated!"

"Yes he did. In a game we never were playing, he cheated. That makes complete and utterly… no sense."

"That's the point! I'm not supposed to!"

"Supposed to not make sense, you mean?"

"My insensible point! Exactly!"

James waved his hand in front them, "Um, guys, can I interrupt-"

"I think I'm going to end this conversation. How does a sensible person understand an insensible one?"

"I don't know. You've been doing it for five years, you make sense of it."

"What do you mean I-"

"Well, you had to listen to me discuss pranking plots, and you understood them, so as a sensible person, it's up to you to make sense of how you understood me when you seemingly couldn't."

"That still doesn't make any-"

"Sense? Of course I don't make sense; I was born without it. Otherwise I wouldn't be me if I made sense, would I."

Remus stared and blinked, "I'm going to end this conversation right now, because you're confusing."

"Means I'm doing my job!" he grinned. "Tips please?"

"No."

"Aw, wait… you aren't going to stop talking Moony, are you?"

The werewolf didn't respond. Instead he just took in a deep breath and sat down in his chair.

"Ha! I defeated Moony in a insensible conversation while still trying to make sense, and yet not doing so!"

"I'm lost," Peter commented to James, who was looking quite angry at not being able to get through to the guys yet.

Sirius did a small victory dance and plopped into his own seat.

Once everything quieted down, James sighed and gave a small smile, "So anyways, like I was saying, I found-"

"How could you possibly defeat me when we weren't competing for anything?"

Sirius shook his finger, "Look, you can't do that."

"What?"

"Respond, once I've already won. I mean, the conversation ended, so you can just bring it up again once it's through," he criticized Remus.

"Who said that?"

"It's in the rules!"

"The unwritten ones?"

"No, the unspoken ones."

"But we never wrote them down."

"Yah, but we never spoke them either."

"That was your argument for the last time we talked about the rules!"

James' eye twitched.

"Your point?"

"I doubt there really are such things."

Sirius stood up immediately, "Did you just question the existence of the rules?"

"As a matter of fact I just did," Remus grinned. Turning to see an angry James, he frowned and said, "Oh, sorry about that, what were you saying?"

Sirius was stunned. He couldn't believe it, "He just questioned the existence of the rules. He did. Yes, he did. But I know… but do I? He just questioned the existence…"

James grumpily strode over to a loveseat and lied down, propping his feet up on one of armrests, "This is Lily's bag." He held up the item so everyone could see and even though he tried to prevent it, his mood changed and a goofy smile formed on his face. It wasn't a horrible tacky 'goofy,' but a more lovesick type. To any girl, it would have made them fall on their knees, faint, or attack him with hearts in their eyes. That's how handsome he was. Well, he and Sirius both.

"So," Peter scratched his head, "What's inside it?"

James shrugged, "Books, I guess."

"Aren't you going to look?"

The Quiddich player's hands trembled ever so slightly, "That would be invading her privacy, Peter! Of course not!"

Remus laughed, "Like you don't do that everyday. James, you annoy Lily in every way possible. You laugh at her, bother her, and even stalk her. This wouldn't be the first time you invaded her privacy, you know, but I'm not saying you should."

"Moony…" he groaned, hand still shaking.

"Yes?"

"I was trying very hard to be civilized, and then you just _had_ to give me a good debate as to why it wouldn't matter if I looked inside this thing," he shook the bag and some of it's contents rattled around inside.

"James, I've yet to see you act civilized."

"Arg! You did it again!"

"What?"

The black haired boy replied, "An uncivilized person would look in this bag, and you just said that _I_ wasn't… 'you know what."

"James you must have some self-control. I've never influenced you, so why are you making such a deal about this, unless you _want_ a reason to reveal the contents inside Lily's bag."

"Why must you be so logical?" James sighed. "You know me too well."

"So, aren't you going to look?" Peter asked.

James gave him a nod as he stared at the bag - almost savoring every moment – before slowly untying the string that kept the top closed. Once open, he spilled out all of the items from beneath the layers of brown cloth onto the table in front of them. Books, quills, chocolate-frogs, a toothpick and coins clattered onto the wood, but there were other items too that he didn't recognize. Picking up a black plastic tube with a lid rimmed in gold, James waved it.

"Uh, I don't think that's a wand, Prongs," Remus explained, looking oddly amused.

James eyed him suspiciously, but then examined the thin cylinder container, "What do you think it is, Padfoot?"

They all turned to Sirius, who seemingly at the moment, was spaced out, as he only muttered the same group of words under his breath, glaring dangerously at Remus, "The rules do exist. The rules do exist. The rules do…."

"Um, right," James stared at him.

Peter then asked, "Can I see it?" James threw the object to him, he, not catching it and falling to the floor instead.

"Please tell me Peter," the seeker said seriously, "are you going to ever try out for the Quiddich team?"

"Yes. Next year!"

"Don't."

"But why?" he asked. How whiny he could sound!

James looked at him, as if asking if he truly needed an answer, "Just, don't. Please. Don't."

The boy nodded vigorously as he tried to quickly stand and ended up tripping over his own feet. Luckily, he fell into the chair this time.

Untwisting the lid, Peter took it off clumsily and revealed what looked like a miniaturized toilet brush covered in a dark goop, "Why is she carrying around a toilet brush?' asked Pettigrew.

James looked at it and said, "I don't think it's a toilet brush. I mean, why would anyone build a toilet that small? I think it looks more like a-"

"Toothpick!"

The boys looked at Sirius as if he were a very bright, purple and orange spotted loon. A loony loon that had no clue what was going on.

Sirius looked at the item with disgust, "James, are you sure you want to go out with a woman who has dental hygiene issues? I mean, look at all that plaque! It… it looks like she hasn't cleaned that toothpick out in months!"

"Uh… Sirius," explained Remus slowly, "That isn't a toothpick."

"Of course it is!"

"No. It isn't."

"Yes it-"

"No," he interrupted.

"N-no?"

"No."

"Well, fine Mr. 'I think the rules don't exist,' you tell us what you think."

"The rules don't exist, Sirius."

"Stop bringing that issue up!"

James and Peter looked at each other and tried desperately to think of ways to stop the others from fighting, and since James figured he was the only one who was actually figuring things out, he spoke loudly, "It can't be a toothpick, because Lily has a toothpick in her bag and it doesn't have bristle things like this one. It has a brush on it, so wouldn't that make it a toothbrush? A very strange looking one, but one all the same?"

Sirius smiled and ceased his bickering, "Yes! And that black stuff; it must be a toothpaste of sorts!"

Remus let out a loud groan, "Will this ever end?"

From Remus to James and finally (and purposely) landing on Peter, Sirius' eyes came to a rest, "But how can we be perfectly sure? Someone will have to test it. Someone who is brave and wouldn't ever let his friends down."

"Someone who has the courage to stand on his own two feet," James added slyly, catching on to what his friend was doing.

The duo stared at the other one who was holding his head in his hands, "Remus?"

And he glared at them, "Someone… oh bloody hell. Peter, just stand up and don't fall over."

"Aw, Moony! You ruined the moment."

"No, I fixed it," annoyed he opened a book on the table in front of him next to Lily's things.

Peter squeaked, "Me? Why?"

"How did you possibly fix it?"

"By not making you look like idiots, and Peter, when will you learn that they'll always pick you?"

"They will?"

Prongs leaned forward and whispered to Padfoot, "Maybe we should put the forgetful spell on Moony as well as Wormtail this time?" Sirius nodded quickly and grinned maniacally.

"Of course we don't Peter," he said.

I'm sorry I ended it there, but Part Two WILL be up sometime. I promise! Tell me what you think of this in your reviews and check out my other fics if you wish. Hint hint!

Bye 4 now!

Luna


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